it suddenly occured to me today that i have a hell of a lot of experience planning events.

about a minute later, i thought... wait. they pay people for that.

*frantically applies for jobs*

cross your fingers, everyone. this kid needs a job.

so i get cousins, too much to drink, hiccups, AND cognitive disability? really? is this necessary?

fuck you, penguin. and you too, jaguar. you're no tiger. and plus fuck you, human race, for awarding someone else the lottery.

i hate hiccups.

so i'm planning a surprise birthday party for my mom. she turns the big 50 this year, and since my dad is theoretically taking her on a romantic getaway (that was originally supposed to be a family vacation until he hijacked it), i'm throwing a party for everyone else to attend on the saturday before.

now. i've never done a surprise party. i'm wondering if any of you delightful people have ever been to a really great one, or if you have any fantastic ideas. i want to make this super fun for everyone, and since it'll mostly be her uber-talkative bookclub and assorted friends and family i have no doubt it'll be awesome, but i just thought since i'm in the initial planning stages it would be a good idea to get some ideas.

thusfar, all i know is that it will be at some restaurant somewhere (we might rent a party room at a local bar), we want to have food, and i'm feeling margaritas. although she has been into gin lately.

:) help!

i feel the need to share my latest knitting project. i needed something to help make my brain stop being relay-obsessed after 9pm before i combusted, and oh did i find a big project. maybe nikki is the only one who would care, but i also have a conundrum.

don wants a blanket. i kind of suggested it as a joke, but he thought it would be really neat if i would make him one. so i got this really cool acrylic/nylon yarn that is super soft and washable in orange and gray. it'll make a nice light summery blanket. i came up with the pattern, though, and it's pretty insane. he wanted some sort of colorwork with a native american or greek or some such design. something ancient and cool. i think he thought i would do some simple geometric thing, but i'm doing this. it's the condor/hummingbird/random unknown bird symbol in the nazca lines in peru (where we want to go in a year or so.) i found a really awesome pattern-making program to get a grid for it, and i filled in the bird so it's not just lines, but now i have to figure out how to do double-sided colorwork.

which... supposedly isn't an option.

but! i think i found a way to do it by just dropping the color when it's time to change in the row, twisting that yarn around the next color, and continuing on my way. this means i have a ton of strings hanging from the work while it's in progress, but once i get them tied and woven in, i think it'll be as strong as if it were all one string of yarn. we shall see. and i'll be posting pictures, because if this works i'm going to be so. freaking. proud. :)

seriously, i love indiana jones. it reminds me of all the really great things about my childhood, and how me and my brother don could totally be action heroes. in cool safari wear. and hats.

wowzers. jameson tastes like ireland. and burning.

it hurts so good!

so this time next week, your humble narrator may find herself in the unfortunate predicament of managing a super lube in champlin.

weird, huh?

urgh.

i'm so agitated and concerned and angry and worried about everything that's happening in washington that i can't even focus on what's happening in minnesota. i've been doing all sorts of work for the burnsville relay for life, but it's hard to focus while also trying to do things for your state representatives when you disagree with many of the things they are fighting for. it's also hard to argue that something is unconstitutional when you don't even have a pre-law bachelors, let alone a masters in constitutional law. which i now wish i had.

i'm trying to tackle the issues and where i stand on each one at a time. i think this is how i have to approach my other blog, too. all of our problems look smaller when tackled individually and methodically. i just wish congress would adopt the same kind of protocol.

running helps. sam, i finally started the couch to 5k program you talked to me about so many months ago. thus far i'm really liking it, it seems to go at just the right pace for me. i've only been doing it for about a week, but i already feel better. now the goal is just to stick with it and hopefully enter a 5k race before next winter. lofty goals, but maybe.

if the other blog is where i put the funny and interesting things, i guess the scraps and leftovers and pathetic whining goes here. just because i love you all so much.

urgh.

among other things about him, i'm really irritated about how much credit and praise the president is getting for lifting certain restrictions on stem cell research. not only because i'm having visions of frankenstein and zombies, but because every journalist reporting the story completely misses the simple fact that if president bush hadn't gone after it, stem cell research would get NO funding at all. his was the first administration to support it, and they put billions of dollars into it. also, as far as i am aware, there is little to no evidence that the growable material in embryonic stem cells shows more promise than that derived from other cells.

but what do i know, i didn't drink the koolaid.

as my facebook status says, mornings are things that happen to other people.

at least my bedroom is clean.


doctor, lawyer, astronaut, artist, teacher, senator...

tell me this isn't horrifying.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7892272.stm

it's clockwork orange and so many other things all rolled into one little pill.

this is an ethics question if ever there was one. i read a lot of science fiction, sure, but most of what they were writing about in the 1960's is now science fact.

does anyone else know anything about this?

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

i hope president obama feels duly embarrassed.

i plan to vent some frustration on a rock climbing wall tomorrow. i've never been on a real rock-climbing wall. i prefer real rocks. for some reason plywood with plastic handle thingys sticking out doesn't seem quite as... safe. which is odd.

also, two things.

i really hate spilling medical details here, but this is what i have, and it hurts a lot, and they don't have too much information on the success rate of sugery. i've done everything else. anybody know anyone else who has this? (not attributed to atrophy, and either because of ortho or bursa problems, i don't know because i've never had an mri, because i've never had a competent doctor.)

and i think this is related, because the above can make me really cranky. i learned a new word today. i probably should have learned this one in about third grade, but somehow missed it.

misanthropy. it'll be on next week's spelling test.

i'll save my rant on the spendulus package for the other blog. it'll be long, but full of sexual innuendo to be entertaining to those who don't care. (i've been working on it all week, and it's so mean i may never post it.) so no worries for tonight's reading.

i'm here because i have a ... theological question. a problem with a paradigm that is no longer ideal and with outdated rhetoric. or is it?

politics. what does "politics" mean, exactly? the way in which groups of people make decisions? the way people care for each other? webster: a: the art or science of government b: the art or science concerned with guiding or influencing governmental policy c: the art or science concerned with winning and holding control over a government.

a government that... governs people? so is that... control over people?

well, yes. of course.

interesting.

and we're okay with that, for the most part, because it keeps the crazies and the knives and the drugs and those 'illegals' and their track suits (or armani, that crazy foreigner) away from us up here in minnesota. though now you're starting to see some track suits up here, and on white folks too! shame, that.

we're all okay with most government control. and we all have a couple of things we're concerned about that keep us at least peripherally involved in our government, even if some of us only vote every four years, that's okay, man. that's enough. we all have to choose our corners.

anthony bourdain attacks alice waters because that's his corner, man. gastronomic environmentalism is a battleground that i know little about, except what spending a lot of time in a specific rural community has taught. (which, i suppose, is more than most.)

laura ingraham attacks nanci pelosi because she knows business, and pelosi doesn't. i don't pretend to know a quarter of what either of them are talking about, but again, sadly, that's still more than most.

but the first amendment, there we can talk. or rather, i can talk. i like the first amendment. i'm rather attached to it, being a cranky outspoken libertarian, and so i taught myself a lot about it. and there are a lot of countries in which i would have been shot/hanged/stoned by now.

so it really gets to me when people want to mess with it. and it gets to me even more when they want to mess with it but call it something else, like "equal time." when they want to write a bill restricting ANY freedom of speech. (it's in the works, folks.) when they want to mess with privately owned political radio because they feel like some political radio programs make fun of them and call them names. (ooo, ouch, what are we, five?)

i have a lot to say to these people, but it won't matter. what i really get upset about is what i want to say to the people that voted them into office and had no idea what they were voting for.

voter ignorance has been a pet problem of mine for a decade now. nothing has changed.

so, my question is this: what do we do about it? we live in a republic, people. not a democracy. we elect people to make decisions for us. we have a congress with an approval rating of approximately zero, and it's our fault. but... if we know nothing about the people we elect, or if they lie to us and can get away with it...

what do we do?

because they have the power, now. all of it. we gave it to them. what can we do if they screw it up?

what do we do?

i need to stop listening to music that makes me think i can write big stories.

also, the last of the mohicans is kind of an amazing movie. i didn't really think i liked it the first time i saw it. something about some of the camera work gives me a headache. but there are some really amazing scenes. and the music is fantastic. see above note.

so tonight i had one of those magical moments in which you're flicking through channels, come across a movie, and get completely, utterly, and transcendentally sucked in. it was called 'gentleman's agreement.' as much as it sounds like a porn about two southern gentlemen swapping wives, it's a really amazing film. it's about a journalist in the 1940's who pretends he's a jew to write a series about antisemitism. i laughed, i fell in love with the always amazing gregory peck, and i balled my eyes out. there are some truly cheesy and unbelievable scenes, but the gist of the story is remarkable, and many of the people involved in the film were later blacklisted, even before mccarthy took the reins. (it has a rather tragic story all around, actually. a book in the making.) if you ever get a chance, watch it. and feel proud of your country, and look at how damn attractive gregory peck can be.

it should be noted that while i was watching this film, i was drinking african wine. which may have something to do with my affection for it. this wine, though... first of all, being an ignorant ass, i had no idea that they made wine in south africa. second... i think they make schizophrenic wine. when you open the bottle, your nose is assaulted with smoke and vanilla and banana. i mean... i'm used to cheap californian and australian wines by now, so... wtf mate? and you can feel each sip in your toes, it's that strong. the first glass is rough, but man that second one is AMAZING. but... over-ripe banana? in wine? really?

haven't decided if it's worth buying again. i can't decide, because the damn wine can't decide what kind of wine it wants to be. sweet? no. bitter? no. mellow? fuck no. it's dancing all over the place. and i give up. wine shouldn't be this much work. wine should work for YOU, making YOU feel happy, following you around like a big red balloon to bring a smile. this wine... well it might as well be french. it says, 'fuck you, you stupid american, too bland to experience my full soulfull nature of the savannah! you have never seen a lion in the wild, or even a fucking balboa tree! you aren't from the earth, you're made of plastic, you've never eaten stomach of gazelle, you swine, you cannot understand!'

maybe not. what the hell happened to that nice bland yellow tail shiraz blend i had? it was awfully nonthreatening and very generous with the buzz... maybe i should stick to that. and then continue to eat all-white food. that's what we do here in minnesota, right? it fits into my preconcieved notions of white supremacy and american entitlement... (excuse me while i sip my aquafina. that's spanish, right?)

hmm. i must have some pent-up rage somewhere. better post this on TWO! blogs instead of one, maybe it'll be like venting to two people.

i'm totally surprised that none of my lj friends have blogged about the inaguration. maybe they just didn't want me to read about their excitement since i didn't vote for obama. ah well.

i watched it, forsooth! actually me and mom had an inaguration party. she balled like it was a wedding. and now i'm watching them awkwardly dance. again. while they talk about how it's so historic and you'd think we've never had an inaguration before. why did i watch this all day again? isn't there a kate hepburn movie on somewhere tonight.... ? ha! yesssss..... ooo! and cary grant too!

mmm celery. lookit how healthy i am! and the almonds! and the chicken! and the... mayonaise covering it all. in a croissant.

maybe not.

oh look, wine.

oh thank god. you can stream hawaiian radio. aaaahhh.... i can almost feel the sand between my toes. i can see it all now, the blinding sun, the pounding waves scaring off all the families with children, and my private waiter. why yes, i would love another drink served in a coconut. no, i don't think it's silly at all, but i don't think it'll fit in the cupholder of my plastic floaty thing. sunscreen? nooo, it's for sissies and that man over there who should be wearing a shirt. actually, could you have him removed, please? thanks. he was doing nothing for the overall look of the beach.

and, waiter, could you get rid of the reggae band for me too? there's a franklin in it for you if you can make it happen in the next three minutes...

why does everyone love reggae so much? come to think of it, why does anyone love reggae at all? between the repeating vowels and the electronic beat.... which sounds oddly like a plastic electronic keyboard i remember from the late 80's... i feel like i'm trapped in some horrific carnival. the music will slow, turn to a minor key, and blood-covered clowns will pop out of market stands wielding fire sticks as everyone runs shrieking to the beach.

maybe it's not that bad. maybe i just live in the wrong climate for reggae. about 4,000 miles from the wrong climate. hey, maybe if i wasn't shivering violently, cursing every cheerful and encouraging snowboarder for a hundred miles to an icy and horrific death, while wondering just how far south you can get on a half a tank of gas, just maybe it would appeal to me a little more.

i often express my dislike for winter, usually in a long groan about how nice it is in hawaii today. i'm usually greeted by sentences like, "oh, you don't hate winter that much, you just need to get outside more! want to borror my skis?" oh sure! i'd love to borrow your skis! i'd love nothing better than to learn a new sport while my nostrils freeze together. or, "look, the sun is shining today, it's beautiful out!" sure, it's beautiful. it might be -17, but in minnesota they call that beautiful. oh look! a little bunny's gone and got himself frozen to our lawn! we'll have an adorable statue to look at all winter! the one response i do enjoy is, "well, it's blizzarding out, want to come over and watch the dumb fucks try to drive up the hill?" (that was in duluth. topher had a great view, apparently.) mostly, i just try and wait it out till spring. which happens in june. and that's a loooong ways off.

i'm hoping to make mai tais this week. shortly after i reach the point of inability to walk under my own power due the combined effects of three kinds of rum, i plan to curl up in a snowbank, fade into blissful hypothermia, and become a lawn ornament.

my secret: i'm usually disappointed in the secrets on postsecret.

confession: my two worst cravings are for tobacco and ink.

i often purchase films, watch them a couple of times, and put them on my shelf to gather dust. like so many things in my life, i am interested in films only when the mood strikes. there are a few, however, which i come back to over and over and over. films filled with visual trickery and character flaws and bits of stray dialogue that i find completely inspiring. a single sentence can be... a thought, a feeling, a universe. an entire microcosm. a revelation in a simple, common sentence. the inner dialogue fascinates me. it's never a monologue, there are too many voices inside one's head. not the proverbial crazy voices, but the ones that exist within each whole person. the ones telling you to be selfish, the ones telling you to reach for god, the ones wondering what you need at the grocery store and how you're going to pay your next phone bill, the voices telling you to give up, crawl in a hole, and die. the voice, small, (the antithesis of the little man) that tells you that you can make it, here.

a woman's whole life, in a single day.

is it possible? that we can measure a life in a day? can we understand how she works, how she thinks, why she picks roses instead of lilies, why she visits a friend... why she loves, why she hates, why she continues though it seems pointless. women especially seem prone to this. prone to continuing.

on.

my brother and i are (it seems) constantly trying to get my mother to eat well and exercise. today i told her: we only tell you this stuff because we love you!

to which she responded, 'well, i love donuts.'

tomorrow i'm going to make an amazing beef stew with red wine in it. i'm so excited that my mouth is actually watering. between my obsession with anthony bourdain and my newfound love of wine, i think i'm turning into a foodie. not a very good one perhaps, especially since i'm going to the ubiquitous and often mediocre olive garden for lunch tomorrow, but i do love to cook. i've gotten to the point where i try to figure out which wine would be best with which meal. i have a list of things i want to try making. i consider it a point of shame that i have yet to roast a whole chicken. risotto no longer scares me. i know what an endive is, and i have a recipe i would like to try that uses one. or four. i consider my mom's chicken fajitas (which were once a big ordeal to make) so simple that i now think of them as an easy weekday meal. (they're still my favorite thing ever.)

after i conquer beef stew (which is so simple i don't even know why i'm blogging about it. maybe it's the red meat obsession. nom.) ...i plan to make dumplings. yes, dumplings. i love dumplings. but not the stupid ones in your pre-packaged dumpling soup, REAL dumplings. the kind that are delightfully pasta-like, the kind that you don't eat just to get to the meat inside, the glorious kind that you've probably NEVER HAD at your local chinese/asian-american-conglomeration joint. maybe i'll even attempt to make the holy grail of all dumplings, the SOUP dumpling. (yes. soup. in a dumpling. amazing.) now, these things are tricky to make. i have yet to find a recipe for a real soup dumpling, and i don't think there is a restaurant in the midwest that serves them. but god DAMN do they look delicious! unfortunately, they also look delightfully out of range of both my talent and resources.

why am i blogging about all of this? so that when i finally get a job and an apartment, i can throw a dinner party, and you can all come over for the food, and i can pretend that you're there to see me! and then i'll feel wonderfully adult and popular and special! (see footnote)

*sigh*

footnote: if you see any other manically cheerful paragraphs in the coming months, they are a subtle request for narcotics. no meth, please. wait, is that a narcotic?